ARCHIVE JOKES

ARCHIVE JOKES

"I think Howard Dean is an embarrassment. I mean, he almost makes Michael Moore look objective in how he analyzes these situations. And the American people got to know him during the campaign and rejected him. ... And this president understands the real threat that America faces. He is providing extraordinary leadership."

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.
Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma. All our dipsticks are in Washington,

DC.

Janeane Garofalo is so ugly that she has to sneak up on a glass of water to take a drink of water, No wonder Air America has no listeners with Janeane Garofalo with her history she should stick to comedy which is more her style of entertainment. Her fatal attraction is Michael Moore.

CURTAIN RODS
        After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multimillion dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed.   He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.
         She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
         On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
         When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
         When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
         Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
         Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
         Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house... The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and they decided to move.
         A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
         Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to buy a new place.
         The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...
         Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.......including the curtain rods.

Due to a minor glitch in the celestial time-space continuum, Albert Einstein, Pablo Picasso and Senator John Kerry all arrived at the Pearly Gates simultaneously.
Saint Peter said, "You look like three famous people, but you have no idea the length people will go to sneak into Heaven. You must prove who you are."
Einstein requests a blackboard and chalk, then covers it many times over with arcane mathematics describing his special theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"
Then Saint Peter turns to Picasso. "Give me that chalk," says Picasso.
With a few deft strokes he creates a stunning array of bulls, satyrs and nude women.
Saint Peter applauds. "You really are Picasso! Welcome to heaven!"
Saint Peter then turns to Senator John Kerry. "Einstein and Picasso have proved their identity. How can you prove yours?"
Dubya looks bewildered. "Who's Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs. "Come on in, John."

A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities. I called several hotels, with no luck.
Finally, I thought I had found one. I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room.
"No," she replied, "but we have a lobby. You can wait there."

Two dumb guys were doing construction on a house. The guy who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, and then either toss it over his shoulder or nail it into the siding.
The other guy saw him tossing all the nails over his shoulder and asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first guy said, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed towards me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it into the siding."
The second guy was outraged. He yelled, "You idiot! The nails pointed towards you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "tell me: what is one and one?"
"Eleven," she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, that's not what I meant, but she's right! He continued with his test: "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow," was her reply.
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
Finally, he asked her: "Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
The blonde looked a little surprised, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted: "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
"It went great!" she told them. "First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder investigation!"

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy.
The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Randy nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, The farmer sees Randy after flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught - worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob - stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer.

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.
Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

Jimmy is almost 35 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Jimmy just dates and dates.
Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Jimmy replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole mother?"
Many weeks go by and again Jimmy and his friend get together. "So, Jimmy, did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your mother?"
Jimmy shrugs his shoulders, "Yes, I found one just like Mom. My Mother loved her and they quickly became friends."
"So, are you and this girl engaged yet?"
"I'm afraid not. My Dad hates her friggin' guts!"

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.
When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"
The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar.
Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"
The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located.
The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

Carol was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Carol said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Carol said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is seated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the FAA. The dog handler says to the first man "Don't mind Rover he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man "Watch this."
He tells the dog "Rover, search." The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy."
He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."
"Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy."
He turns to the first man and says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number."
"That's marvelous, I never seen anything like it!" says the first man.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane aisle and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and shits all over the place.
The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What the hell is going on?"
The handler replies "He's just found a bomb!"

A guy blows through a stop sign and gets caught by a policeman.
Cop says, "License and registration please."
Guy says, "What for?"
Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Guy says,"I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Cop says,"You still didn't come to a complete stop, license and registration, please."
Guy says, "What's the difference?"
Cop says, "the difference is, you have to come to a complete Stop. License and registration, PLEASE!"
Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop I'll give you my license and registration."
Cop says, "Exit your vehicle sir."
At this point, the cop takes out his Night Stick and starts beating the piss out of the guy and says, "Do you want me to slow down or stop?"

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love.
It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay," says the rabbi to the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly: "You see, schmuck? THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"

Dick and George are in a restaurant. George is looking over the menu.

To the waitress he says, "I want a quickie."

The waitress is stunned, but she decides to hold her tongue. "Be good boy, now," she says "and kindly give me your order, sir."

"I want a quickie," George says again.

Shocked and past caring who she's dealing with, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'll give you one last chance, mister. What do you want?"

Dick intervenes. "George," he says, "I think it's pronounced quiche."

Two women were waiting to get into the Pearly Gates of Heaven when they struck up a conversation.
"How did you die?", the first woman asked the second.
"I froze to death," said the second.
"That's awful," said the first woman. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second woman. "You get the shivers and shakes and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But, eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get very numb and just sort of go to sleep. How did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first woman. "You see, I knew my lousy husband was cheating on me, so one day, I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, but I found him alone, watching TV. I ran down to the basement but no one was hiding there either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there, so I ran as fast as I could up to the attic. Just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second woman shakes her head. "That's so ironic," she says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first woman.
The second woman tells her, "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we would both still be alive."

A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hot dog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.
The hot dog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this, hot-shot." The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hot dog asked, "So? What did you do?"
"I just shut down two engines, kid."

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic, leads the blind man right into the street. Tires screech and horns blare as panicked drivers try desperately not to run them down!
Miraculously, they reach the other side of the street, unharmed. To the shock of the onlookers who've gathered round him to see if he's okay, the blind man pulls a cookie out of his jacket and holds it out in front of him, making kissy noises!
One passer-by who witnessed the near-tragedy steps up to the man and asks him, point blank: "Are you crazy?! That dog almost wasted your ass! And now you're giving him a treat?!"
The blind man keeps waving the cookie, and says: "I'm only doing this to find out where his head is, so I can grab a hold of him and kick his ass!"

A married couple is driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
She asks, "What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose!"

A body builder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home with him.
He takes off his shirt and the woman says, "What a great chest you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite."
He takes off his pants and the woman says, "What massive calves you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite."
He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He finally catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment.
The woman replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was."

A dedicated shop steward, at a union convention in Las Vegas, decides to check out the local brothels.

At the first one, he asks the madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomps off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

His search continues until finally he reaches a brothel where the madam says, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the man says. He looks around the room and points to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," replies the madam, gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman squatting in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow, "Today I have created you! As a cow, you must go to the field with the farmer all day long. You will work all day under the sun! I will give you a life span of 50 years."

The cow objected, "What? This kind of tough life you want me to live for 50 years? Let me have 20 years, and the 30 years I'll give back to you." So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog, "What you are supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house. Any people that come in, you will have to bark at them! I'll give a life span of 20 years."

The dog objected, "What? All day long to sit by the door? No way! I give you back my other 10 years of life!" So God agreed.

On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, "Monkeys have to entertain people. You've got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks. I'll give you 20 years life span."

The monkey objected. "What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks? Ten years will do, and the other 10 years I'll give you back." So God agreed.

On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, "Your job is to sleep, eat, and play. You will enjoy very much in your life. All you need to do is to enjoy and do nothing. This kind of life, I'll give you a 20 year life span."

The man objected. "What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years? No way, man!....Why don't we make a deal? Since the cow gave you back 30 years, and the dog gave you back 10 years and the monkey gave you back 10 years, I will take them from you! That makes my life span 70 years, right?" So God agreed.

AND THAT'S WHY....

In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get to support the family. For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and monkey tricks. And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit by the front door and bark at pe

>The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands.

> >>This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.

> >>DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?

> >>SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

> >>SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

> >>

> >>DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?

> >>SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.

> >>SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

> >>

> >>DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?

> >>SAFER: Could we be overreacting?

> >>SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

> >>

> >>DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

> >>SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.

> >>SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

> >>

> >>And my personal favorite. . . . . . .

> >>

> >>DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?

> >>SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.

> >>SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bac on

and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?"

she

asks.

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off

my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off

my appetite."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the

store and buy him some food. Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie?

Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm starving."

TOP 10 SLOGANS BEING CONSIDERED BY VIAGRA

10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!

3. Viagra, Tastes great!........., More filling!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!

1. This is your penis.........This is your penis on drugs.

Anybody hungry???

Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble

deciding where to go. They were tired of the local food in Transylvania and

wanted something a little more exotic. After some discussion, they decided

to go to ITALY because they had heard that ITALIAN food was really good. So,

off they went to ITALY and ended up in VENICE. On a bridge over one of the

canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes later

they noticed a young couple walking their way.

As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person,

sucked them dry and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below.

The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds.

Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same

fate as the first -- grabbed, sucked, and tossed. Our vampires are now

fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short while a third young couple

provides just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also

sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal. The vampires decided

they had had a marvelous dinner but that it was time to head back home.

As they started to walk away they began to hear some singing. They were

puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they listened, they

realized that it was coming from the canal. They looked over the rail and

saw a big alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies.

They listened as the alligator sang: KEEP SCROLLING DOWN !

You don't know what the alligator sang, do you?

are you ready

Are you sure?

Here it comes......

This is great!

"Drained wops keep falling on my head..."

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when

we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.

But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when

they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens

before they're hatched." "That was a fine story Sarah." "Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.

Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle=A0 of whiskey a machine gun

and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the

middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke.

And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands. "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what

kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the Hell away from Aunt Karen

when she's been drinking."

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly man.
His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy.
"Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want Natalie," the old man replied.

Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps
someone else.

"No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man
that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked
and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills.
The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man
calmly left. The next night he appeared again demanding
Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back
two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it
was still $1,000.

Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to
the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one
could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and
up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie
questioned the old man, "No one has ever used my services
three nights in a row... where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."

"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."

"Yes; I know," said the old man. "Your Father died. She
gave me $3,000 to give to you."

A family from the back hills of Mississippi was visiting the city and they

were in a

>>mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling

>>around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they

>>saw, but especially by two shiny, Silver walls that could move apart and

>>then slide back together again.

>>The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?" The father (never having seen an

>>elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that

>>in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

>>While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady

>>in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. THe

>>walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

>>The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular

>>numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch

>>until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in

>>the reverse order.

>>Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, a voluptuous 24-year-old

>>blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young

>>woman, said quietly to his son,

Boy, GO GIT YO MAMA.......

Three sons left home, and went out on their own and prospered.

Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able

to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said,"I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember

how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see

very well so I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire

Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one

of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the

parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge.

I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another," I am too old to travel. I stay

most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes.

And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, " You have

the good sense to know what your mother likes."

"The Chicken was delicious."

The HUGE Guy

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy

standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him,

looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left

testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude

kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. When

the little guy finally comes around, the big guy asks him,"What's wrong with you?"

In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude said, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers

to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle,

3 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'."

Two Women waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first woman asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first woman.

"How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second woman. "You get the

shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually,

it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as

if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first woman. "You see, I knew my

husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.

I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone, watching TV.

I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran

up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as

fast as I could

to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive

heart attack and died."

The second woman shakes her head. "That's so ironic," she says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first woman.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be

alive."

> They were so confident going into the final that two days

> before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee

> and party with some friends. They had a great time. However,

> they overslept and didn't make it back to Alabama until the

> morning of the exam.

>> Rather than take the final, they found their professor

> afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told him

> that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the

> weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but

> that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a

> spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were

> late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this

> over and told them they could make up the final on the

> following day. The two guys were relieved. They studied that

> night and went in the next day for the final. The professor

> placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test

> booklet and told them to begin.

> They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points.

> It was something simple. "Cool," they thought. "This is going

> to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.

> Question #2 said: "Which tire?" (95 Points).

COMEBACK OF THE YEAR

A high school English teacher reminds her class of
tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any
excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal
injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family
- but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A
smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand
and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was
suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle
their laughter and snickering. When silence is
restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I
guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

WHO IS JACK SCHITT??? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are

at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt!"

Read on and you'll be able to handle the situation intelligently. Jack is the

only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate,

married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & = Schitt, Inc. Jack Schitt

married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple begat 6 children:

Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap

Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt married

Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After 15 years of marriage, Jack & Noe

Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, and out of devotion to her

children, decided to hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple

produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseperable

thoughout childhood subsequently married the Happens brothers.

The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son,

left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.

So, NOW if someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can beg to differ.

You not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list! >>

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight

to leave. They are getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them

that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that.

The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms-

both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is

tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit,

the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously

around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is

forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people

at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the

airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off,

that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment,

the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and

soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these

days, they're going to scream too late,and we're all gonna die."

See what happens when you mess with those evil insurance people? hahaha!
>> A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very
>> rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against
>> fire among other things. Within a month, having
>> smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without
>> having made even his first premium payment on the
>> policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance
>> company.
>>
>> In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost
>> lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance
>> company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that
>> the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
>>
>> The man sued.... and won. In delivering the
>> ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was
>> frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a
>> policy from the company in which it had warranted
>> that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed
>> that it would insure against fire, without defining
>> what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was
>> obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a
>> lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance
>> company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000
>> for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."
>>
>> After the man cashed the check, however, the company
>> had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own
>> insurance claim and testimony from the previous case
>> being used against him, the man was convicted of
>> intentionally burning his insured property and
>> sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

> Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if either of you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody anytime, anywhere, anyplace, it doesn't matter to me."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? What law firm do you work for?"

He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her

terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling,

he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Three white buttons were identified by the letters: "WW", "WA", and "PP",

and there was one red button labeled "ATR".

Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit there and

resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the "WW" button. Warm Water was

sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him.

The men's restroom didn't have nice things like this.

Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the "WA" button. Warm Air

replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his

underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and

without hesitation, he pressed the "PP" button. A large Powder Puff

caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his

unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender

loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it

did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!

He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was

staring down at him with a smirk on her face.

"What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the

ladies restroom!

"You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded

to a grin. "That last button marked "ATR" is an Automatic Tampon Remover.

Your penis is under your pillow."

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married

she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride

crawled out of bed after making love....she stooped down to pick up her

husbands clothes and she accidentally lets out a big fart.

She looked up and said: "So sorry.... excuse please, front hole so happy

back hole laugh out loud."

A blonde was driving home after a Red Sox's game and got caught in a

really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day

she took it to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some

fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard,

and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started

blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder,

and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said ,"What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow

into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said ..."HELLO .. You need to roll up

the windows first!!"

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the
lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're
wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking
chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa
over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles,and
give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life.

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging
down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Hell, no," replies the old lady. "I want four times in the rocking chair."

FACTS FROM THE 1500's

Next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water

temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be....

Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly

bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were

starting to smell, so, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body

odor. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house

had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the sons and other men,

then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies.

By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in

it-hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw, pile digh, with no wood underneath.

It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and

other small animals (mice rats, and bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it

became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof-hence

the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a

real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really

mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung

over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying

"dirt poor."

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when

wet, so they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the

winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the

door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the

entry way - hence, a "thresh hold."

They cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the

fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate

mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for

dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then add to

these to start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that

had been there for quite a while-hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas

porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When

visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a

sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off

a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content

caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and

death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years

or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. Most people did not have

pewter plates, but had trenchers, a piece of wood with the middle scooped out

like a bowl. Often trencher were made from stale paysan bread which was so old

and hard that they could use them for quite some time.

Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms and mold got into the

wood and old bread. After eating off wormy moldy trenchers, one would get

"trench mouth." Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt

bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would

sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the

road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid

out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather

around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up-hence the

custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and they started out running out of places to bury

people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a

"bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, one out of

25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized

they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string

on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the

ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard

all night (the graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be

"saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer".

The Miraculous Toilet Paper Treatment

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,
complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of his standard response of reassuring her that that wasn't
the case, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day
take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a
few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper,
and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife
stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon.
While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"
The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"
The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.
"Oh my!" she cries: "What is that?"
"Well, Darlin'" he chuckles proudly: "That's ma' rope!"
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.
"Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"
Her husband, panting a little, asks: "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "undo them dang knots, I need more rope!"

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether or not they are our own, our grandchildren, nieces, nephews, step kids or students, here is something to make you chuckle.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. The first thing He said was, "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit?We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve. . . we have forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes, way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, (wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants).

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and was He ticked!"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?"

"No way!"

"Yes, way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, (wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants).

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and was He ticked!"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?"

God, as our first parent, asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Advice for the day:

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

THE RULES OF THE GAME

"Here are a list of eleven rules for the game of life that you did not

learn in school. Our feel-good, politically correct teachings have created

a whole generation of kids with no concept of reality and this has set them

up for failure in the real world.."

> RULE #1: Life is not fair. Get used to it.

> RULE #2: The world doesn't care about your self-esteem.

The world expects you to accomplish something

BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

> RULE #3: You will NOT make $50,000 a year right out of high

school or college. And, you won't be a vice president with a car

phone until you EARN both.

> RULE #4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you have

a boss. And, he doesn't have tenure

> RULE #5: Flipping burgers is NOT beneath your dignity.

Your grandparents had a different word for burger-flipping.

They called it OPPORTUNITY.

> RULE #6: If you mess up, it is NOT your parents' fault.

And, don't whine about your mistakes. Learn from them.

> RULE #7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as

they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning

your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool you

are. So, before you save the rain forest from parasites from

your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your room.

> RULE #8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers,

but life has not. Some schools have abolished failing grades,

giving you as many chances as you need to get the right

answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to

anything in real life.

> RULE #9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get

summers off, and very few employers are interested in "helping

you find yourself". Do that on your own time.

> RULE #10: Television is not real life. In real life, people have

actual jobs that they leave the coffee shop to go to.

> RULE #11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are, you'll end up working

for one.

> AND, IN ANSWER TO THE ETERNAL QUESTION: "Is it better to be a jock or a

nerd?"

> CONSIDER THIS:

> While playing in the NBA, Michael Jordan made over $300,000 per gavme.

That equals $10,000 a minute if he played an average of 30 minutes per game.

With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 per day, working or not.

If he sleeps seven hours a night, he makes $52,000 while visions of sugar

plums dance through his head. If he goes to a movie, he pays $8 like you

and me. But, while he's there, he'll earn $18,550.

> If he wants to save up for a $90,000 Jaguar, it will take him 12 whole

hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money in

cash, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 per second. Assuming he

puts 15% of his income into a tax deferred retirement account (401K), he

would hit the annual cap of $9,500 by 8:30 AM on January 1.

> Last year, he made more than twice the total incomes of all U.S.

Presidents for all their terms combined.

> However, if Jordan saves 100% of this income for the next 250 years, he

will still have LESS money than Bill Gates has RIGHT NOW.

> GAME OVER. NERD WINS.

One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley. A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it.

Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen. The young man was very proud and boasted even more loudly about his beautiful heart.

Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said "It's a very nice heart indeed, but I don't think it is nearly as beautiful as mine." The crowd and the young man looked at the old man's heart. It was beating strongly, but full of scars, it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but they didn't fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing. The people stared -- how can he say his heart is more beautiful? they thought.

The young man looked at the old man's heart and saw its state and laughed. "You must be joking," he said. "Compare your heart with mine, mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears." "Yes," said the old man, "yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar on my heart represents a person to whom I have given my love - I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a Piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in mine, but because the pieces aren't exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared. Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn't returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges -- giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too, and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see why I think mine is more beautiful?" The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old man with trembling hands. The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man's heart.

It fit, but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges. The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since Love from the old man's heart flowed into his. They embraced and walked away side by side.

How sad it must be to go through life with a whole heart. Remember...Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody is watching.

Thanks for sharing a piece of your heart with me.

An English professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is

nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is everything

beer is much healthier for humans than milk! Here's a rundown of the reasons why…

Beer has zero fat; milk is loaded with fat.

Beer has zero cholesterol; a glass of milk has 20 mg.

Beer doesn't contain hormones or antibiotics, while milk contains trace amounts of pesticides and antibiotics given to cows to keep them healthy. Most milk also contains rBGH, a hormone that can give men bitch-tits.

Beer has half a gram of fiber in every cup; milk has no fiber.

Beer has only 12 mg of sodium per 122 mg. Milk has more than double that.

A glass of beer has 3 grams of complex carbohydrates; milk has none.

Dairy products contribute to stroke, iron-deficiency, allergies, many cancers, asthma, heart disease, and the common cold.

A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the pharmacist, "I want me

one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?"

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms

with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the

farmer. "Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is

for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean

spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here," argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it,

my wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it.

MEN & WOMEN COMPARED

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but

when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Woman

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,

a woman is a bundle of contradiction, she's afraid of a wasp, will scream at

a mouse, but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.

> > she'll take him for better, she'll take him for worse

she'll break open his head and then be his nurse

but when he's well and can get out of bed she'll pick up the tea-pot and aim for

his head.

beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind, crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind

she'll call him a king, then make him a clown, raise him on a pedestal, then knock

him flat down.

she'll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man, or make him her lackey to carry her

fan.> she'll run away from him and never come back but if he runs away, then she'll be on

his tracks

> sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want

you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this

procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least

five pounds. "When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20

pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping."

>>>>>>So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees

another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get

to the other side?"

> >The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back,

"You are on the other side."

NOT ONE, BUT TWO BLONDES:

Two blondes were walking through the woods and came upon a set of tracks.

One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde said that they

were moose tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit 'em.

> >A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what

had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the

phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up

the iron and stuck it to my ear. "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But,

what happened to your other ear?

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen,

they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're

home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man,

they love in a cat.

Mid-life for ladies....

Mid-life is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down.

This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

> Mid-life has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see

your rear end without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old,

you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

> You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram

and know it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film.

> Mid-life can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling,

beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"

> The good news about mid-life is the glass is still half-full. Of course,

the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether or not they are our own, our grandchildren, nieces, nephews, step kids or students, here is something to make you chuckle.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. The first thing He said was, "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit?We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve. . . we have forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes, way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, (wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants).

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and was He ticked!"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?"

God, as our first parent, asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Advice for the day:

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

Subject: Why did they do that? RE: Railroad Tracks

> The U.S. standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet,

> 8.5 inches. that is an exceedingly odd umber. Why was that gauge used?

> Because that's the way they built them in England and the U.S. railroads

> were built by English expatriates. Why did the English build them that way?

> Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the

> pre-railroad tramways and that's the gauge they used.

> Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the

> tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons,

> which used that wheel spacing. So why did the wagons have that particular odd

> spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels

> would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because

> that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted

> roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by

> Imperial I Rome for their legions, the roads have been used ever since. And

> the ruts they feared of destroying their wagon wheels were first formed by

> Roman was chariots. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome,

> they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

> The U.S. standard railroad gauge of 4 feet 8.5 inches derives from the

> original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

> Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are

> handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may

> be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made

> just wide enough to accommodate the back end of two war horses. Thus we

> have the answer to the original question.

> Now the twist to the story. When we see a space shuttle sitting on it's

> launch pad, there are two booster rockets attached to the side of the main

> fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are

> made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the

> SRB's might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to

> be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line

> from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The tunnel

> is slightly wider than the railroad track and the railroad track is about

> as wide a two horses' behinds. So, the major design feature of what is

> arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined

> over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass!!!

> Don't you just love engineering?

Make yourself feel better... do you know these people?

IDIOTS IN SERVICE:

This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the

telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and

7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the

pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we

come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that,

since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report

future outages by email.

Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?

IDIOTS AT WORK:

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk

noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.

She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the

card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary

to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed

the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature

to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it,

they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the

local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer

Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by

cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the

person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry,

but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee

asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when

she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.I explained that it signals

blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on

earth are blind people doing driving?!"

IDIOT SIGHTING #3:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the

company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is

fun. We should do this more often."

Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that

deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself &

for the life of her couldn't understand why her system wouldn't turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our

car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service

department & found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's

side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried

the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

"Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"

To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

NOW DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?

I KNOW I DO!

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have

produced

enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced

to> >> >create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it)

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig)

(How'd they figure this out, and why?)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Still can't get over that pig thing)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

(And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than

left-handed people do.

(If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight

and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ..what..?)

(Did taxpayers pay for this research??)

Polar bears are left handed.

(Who knew....? Who cares? How'd they find out, did they ask them?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping

the> >> >length of a football field.

(30 minutes...can you imagine?? And why pigs?)

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves

to death.

(Creepy)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to

its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the....)

(Well, at least pigs get a break there...)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(In my next life I still want to be a pig ... quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Oh, Geez) (That's almost as bad as catfish)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that too.)

After reading all these, all I can say is.............

Lucky Pigs..

"You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely."

THE RULES OF THE GAME

"Here are a list of eleven rules for the game of life that you did not

learn in school. Our feel-good, politically correct teachings have created

a whole generation of kids with no concept of reality and this has set them

up for failure in the real world.."

> RULE #1: Life is not fair. Get used to it.

> RULE #2: The world doesn't care about your self-esteem.

The world expects you to accomplish something

BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

> RULE #3: You will NOT make $50,000 a year right out of high

school or college. And, you won't be a vice president with a car

phone until you EARN both.

> RULE #4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you have

a boss. And, he doesn't have tenure

> RULE #5: Flipping burgers is NOT beneath your dignity.

Your grandparents had a different word for burger-flipping.

They called it OPPORTUNITY.

> RULE #6: If you mess up, it is NOT your parents' fault.

And, don't whine about your mistakes. Learn from them.

> RULE #7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as

they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning

your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool you

are. So, before you save the rain forest from parasites from

your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your room.

> RULE #8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers,

but life has not. Some schools have abolished failing grades,

giving you as many chances as you need to get the right

answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to

anything in real life.

> RULE #9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get

summers off, and very few employers are interested in "helping

you find yourself". Do that on your own time.

> RULE #10: Television is not real life. In real life, people have

actual jobs that they leave the coffee shop to go to.

> RULE #11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are, you'll end up working

for one.

> AND, IN ANSWER TO THE ETERNAL QUESTION: "Is it better to be a jock or a

nerd?"

> CONSIDER THIS:

> While playing in the NBA, Michael Jordan made over $300,000 per gavme.

That equals $10,000 a minute if he played an average of 30 minutes per game.

With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 per day, working or not.

If he sleeps seven hours a night, he makes $52,000 while visions of sugar

plums dance through his head. If he goes to a movie, he pays $8 like you

and me. But, while he's there, he'll earn $18,550.

> If he wants to save up for a $90,000 Jaguar, it will take him 12 whole

hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money in

cash, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 per second. Assuming he

puts 15% of his income into a tax deferred retirement account (401K), he

would hit the annual cap of $9,500 by 8:30 AM on January 1.

> Last year, he made more than twice the total incomes of all U.S.

Presidents for all their terms combined.

> However, if Jordan saves 100% of this income for the next 250 years, he

will still have LESS money than Bill Gates has RIGHT NOW.

> GAME OVER. NERD WINS.

Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen. The young man was very proud and boasted even more loudly about his beautiful heart.

How sad it must be to go through life with a whole heart. Remember...Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody is watching.

Thanks for sharing a piece of your heart with me.

An English professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is

nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is everything

beer is much healthier for humans than milk! Here's a rundown of the reasons why…

Beer has zero fat; milk is loaded with fat.

Beer has zero cholesterol; a glass of milk has 20 mg.

Beer has half a gram of fiber in every cup; milk has no fiber.

Beer has only 12 mg of sodium per 122 mg. Milk has more than double that.

A glass of beer has 3 grams of complex carbohydrates; milk has none.

Dairy products contribute to stroke, iron-deficiency, allergies, many cancers, asthma, heart disease, and the common cold.